Confronting destructive behaviors and telling the truth for the highest good.
What if you could confront a variety of unhealthy or destructive behaviors within others while feeling safe and being highly effective? Most of us are taught the importance of being truthful, so why is telling the truth so difficult and sometimes perhaps even unwise? Very real or imagines fears or consequences are; retaliation, punishments, bosses, authority figures or organizations with power over you, escalating the problem, blame, enmeshment, the negative aspects of keeping shameful or embarrassing secrets.
It is now common knowledge there are many health benefits resulting from creativity and creative honesty versus many negative health consequences of repressed feelings and thoughts. It’s a no-brainer, creative self- expression and honesty create health and wellness and mitigate worry and old negative behaviors.
Sending anonymous honesty letters puts a strong focus on the message about destructive behaviors while keeping the messenger a secret and safely out of the situation. We honor true freedom of speech with the focus solely on the message
(by keeping the messenger anonymous), enabling us all to move beyond recrimination, praise or blame, while sharing our truthful thoughts, feelings and emotions. Experience has shown us that receiving the truth in writing, with no one to blame or retaliate against has a powerful sense of mystery behind it that often facilitates healthy behavioral changes.
True Story: Confronting Verbal Abuse Anonymously and Successful Changes in Behavior
I recently received a phone call from a woman in Oklahoma telling me that she had anonymous expressions send our poem about verbal abuse anonymously to her brother-in-law. She was calling to share with me what happened after he received it and to express how grateful she was for the outcome. She told me that according to her sister, her brother-in-law became very defensive and angry after receiving the anonymous honesty letter sent to confront his verbal abuse. However, the next day after he had calmed down, he told his wife that he wondered if perhaps one of the children had spoken with the school counselor and he wondered if perhaps someone from the school had send this honesty letter to him. His wife told him that she thought this was a strong and realistic possibility.
This man’s wife, (my client’s sister-in-law) was happy to report that this mean and angry man had found self-control he never knew he had! He was treating his wife and their children more kindly in public and at home. He absolutely got the message, recognized that someone was watching and that his behavior had been destructive and he made a conscious decision to change it. This man’s entire family, himself included, had found a sense of harmony that made a huge difference within their home life.
As this woman on the phone thanked me profusely, I took the time to point out that she had courageously chosen to be part of the solution within a very difficult situation. I honored her for being the one to facilitate the harmonious transformation within her sister’s family. Within her tears, she said, “I am so glad that I chose to do something constructive to help protect my sister and her wonderful children. I can’t tell you how much this has changed my life and the lives of everyone within our family and it has only been within the last two weeks.”
Writing Your Own Honesty Letter
Honesty Letter Outline
Use our suggested outline for writing an honesty letter from your own truth, about a situation or behavior that is unjust and destructive, to be sent anonymously through our service to whomever you choose.
Start your own honesty letter with the bold sentence beginnings and complete each section using we, rather than I (third person and not first person).
1. The troubling situation as we see it is . . .that your extra-marital affair or sexual addiction may be sadly destroying your life. Many people in the company are talking and we are concerned that you may lose your job. It is clear that we who care about you are also suffering. So we send this to you as a plea for change with many prayers for everyone affected, including your wife and kids.
2. How we feel about this is . . . very sad and hopeless as none of us can affect you like you can affect yourself. Some say the hurt we feel is usually as deep as the concern is and reminds us of how much we care about you. This must be true, as we are all caring very deeply while worrying about you and your family. While this may be a selfish part of yourself you must face, the patience of our company has been tapped so if you don’t choose to find a way to create change, we choose to detach from your nightmare and not participate. We so sincerely want to have the real you back into our lives and want to be able to greet your wife with our usual honesty and grace.
3. What we would like to see is . . .you admitting your problem to those who care and apologizing for the heartache this is causing us or at minimum, we want you to stop this blatant affair and keep it out of the office. Please then ask for the help and support you need and find a way to get into treatment, classes and/or good therapy. The company may pay for therapy.
4. What we want for you is . . . a life of health, love, success and joy. Find a new hobby, maybe a new job, be the highlight of social gatherings and soak in the fun and love of friends and family who adore you! We want for you, all the good your life has to offer you and the very best of everything that we wish for ourselves.
Company policy and company employees do not approve of such behavior or the consequences it brings to everyone. We also don’t want to have to tell your wife or see you lose your job with us.
The choice is yours. We are watching.
We want you to hear our thoughts and take them to heart and let your conscience lead the way to positive change.
Samples and Resources
Honesty letters can take many forms, not just the standard letter format. Poetry and lyrics are also great ways to use a universal voice to tell the truth and confront unwanted behaviors.
All honesty Letters are sent first class mail anonymously through our service. We provide tracking if requested.
Click on the links below to view some excellent samples of everyday issues that may need confronting in your life:
by Jan Allison
by Francis Duggan
(A poem about not smoking)
by Donna McCord
by Charles C Finn
We advocate communicating the truth anonymously to bring greater awareness,
evoking the highest possible good.
The purpose of honesty letters, is to express true convictions honestly with the focus solely on the message by keeping the messenger anonymous. The intention is to communicate honestly and freely with the intention of the highest possible good or outcomes. Removing any person(s) as the honesty letter sender, we advise using a universal voice (we, our), rather than a personal one (I or my). Honesty Letters benefit the giver by anonymously telling the truth without fear of recrimination. Honesty Letters benefit the receiver by receiving the truth in writing from an anonymous source, this eliminates any hidden personal agenda, blame or negative recourse.